What can we do to create a society all can live with? Is compromise at this point impossible?

Compromise is essential to human existence. Think of the meaning of the word, to settle a dispute by mutual concessions. Mutual is the key word here. Every time a compromise is made it is an exchange of new ideas, a promise to trust another’s judgment to attain your goal. Negotiations are made, words are exchanged, we are forced to hear ideas that are different than ours and that can never be a bad thing.

I think the goal of human existence is to be enlightened, self-aware and people who barricade themselves behind single, stale ideas, people who refuse to compromise are the ones who never attain it. So many people at a certain age, hell, now it’s even young people, just grasp onto a single life philosophy, call it a day, put padlocks on their minds and sit in rocking chairs talking about the weather, their grandchildren, and their gall bladders. There is no growth there because there was no compromise there.

The world changes every minute of every hour of every day and to refuse to compromise, to be rigid is a denial of that fact. Time does not stand still even though so many people operate under the assumption that what is now shall always be, but it is not. Any means of opening our minds is a good thing to me. And compromise does that.

I see compromise as a means of attaining new ideas, a pressing need to look at someone else’s thought processes and through compromise we gain enlightenment. But it is becoming a lost art in our society these days.

Many times, we are faced with situations that can cause us to consider compromising our beliefs or values. A world view based on socialism is incompatible with one based on freedom. One system is totalitarian in practice and the other holds individual freedom as the goal of any civilized society. One system believes that wealth is essentially owned and distributed by the state…. the other holds that property is controlled by the individual to do with as his wishes. Compromise is therefore impossible.

But I want to talk about compromise as it applies to personal relationships - whether family, friends, acquaintances, or colleagues. The art of compromise is a balance between self-regard and humility. Self-regard, because, personally, I believe that each person deserves a measure of dignity and self-determination. Humility, because in order to compromise you must be able to let things go in favor of someone else and to acknowledge that they have the same right to self-determination as you do.

If you compromise too much, it will damage your self-respect. If you compromise too little, it will make you arrogant, contemptuous of the needs of others, and inflexible. If you can offer something in compromise that you can afford to let go of, do so. But if what you offer hurts your self-respect, then don’t do it.

Which begs me to ask this: Does compromise pervade our life and our interactions with others? The most evident reason is we have manifold desires which may not be in line with others. In order to address the conflicting values, one party must make concessions. In my experience, often, employees experience continual compromise in their career life where their beliefs are in the minority, but they don’t want to become an outcast as a result. It’s very possible that, perhaps employees cannot agree with boss’s business practices but are too shy or afraid to rock the boat to stand up for what they really think. However, it is important to bear in mind the benefits brought by standing up for what they believe in, which can tremendously build self-confidence and develop a strong sense of self.

Developing a skill of reaching compromise is also developing your awareness of the difference between “want” and “need.” We have only a few needs: most of the things we want really are just wants, and we can get along without them, if the trade is important enough. The art of compromise also means learning how to create situations where everyone gets something they want — just not everything, since “compromise” means not getting everything you want.

It is important that even if people don’t walk away from the compromise with all they ask for, everyone still feels respected and heard and attended to, if only partway. You do that by really listening to their point of view and placing yourself in their shoes for a short while so you can see things their way.

However, in my opinion, there are an awful lot of people who don’t understand what compromise is, and how it works. And sometimes people walk into a compromise discussion with a hidden goal, so that you are not working with all the information you need. Sometimes people have no intention of giving up anything at all - they only intend to make you give up everything instead. That’s acting in bad faith.

And if someone enters a discussion in bad faith, it’s going to be difficult and maybe impossible to reach a compromise, because they are not interested in cooperating in the process. So, you have to decide what you can offer them that will interest them enough to stay at the table without you “giving away the store,” as the saying goes.

Compromise can be a negative and destructive thing, but it also can be a positive and productive thing if you develop the skills around it.

We make compromises every day, but they are so small and have so little effect on us, and they bring such a benefit to us and other people, that we gladly make those exchanges without thinking about it. Some compromises are tougher because the stakes are higher: those times when everyone is asked to choose between two things that are important to us or asked to part with aspects that matter to us.

An example of a small, everyday compromise: you and a friend decide to spend an evening together having dinner and going to a movie. But you really want to eat at a burger place, and she prefers to eat at a pizza place. Then you find out that you want to see a comedy, and she wants to see an action movie. A good compromise is that you both agree to get burgers, which is what you want, and you both agree to see an action film, which is what she wants. (Or the other way around, of course.)

In that case you each had to decide whether your choice of movie or choice of meal is more important to you. If she’s really wanted to see that action movie for weeks, but she is pretty much fine with either pizza or burgers, and if you are dying for a burger, then she’ll gladly go for a burger if it means you both accept the action movie as your movie choice.

It probably took less time for you to read that than the amount of time it took to decide it, in the example. We learn to think on our feet in everyday situations. End Result? You both gave up something you kind of wanted to get the thing you badly wanted. You have a nice evening and afterward think of the good time you had. You respect the other person more because they listened to your side and took it into consideration and found a way that you both could get something you wanted.

Of course, not every compromise is so trivial, but you get my drift.

So — can compromise lead to good things in life? Yes. In fact, entering the process of compromise teaches you what is important to you and what is not so important. It clarifies your values to you. That self-knowledge leads to better and clearer decisions about what to do as you go forward in life, and it also makes you less likely to compromise or trade off the things that are important to you. And it teaches you how to let go of the things you can very well do without. It clarifies the difference between the things you really need and the things you merely want. So, it’s a learning opportunity that strengthens you.

That doesn’t mean life will be smooth - life always has its smooth and rough patches. But learning the art of compromise will give you better peace of mind in the smooth times and better resiliency in the rough times.

Katie Kamara

Full Time Article Writer and Essayist/Internationally Published Author, Psychoanalyst, Lecturer, Spiritual Teacher/Counsellor, Radio Host, and Humanitarian

Holistic Wellbeing Consultant

Kamara Holistic Connections LLC